Lojong Practice Journal: Don’t bring things to a painful point
The 59 slogans through a social justice lens
The practice we are guided to do with the slogan “Don’t bring things to a painful point” is one of refraining from acting out of strong emotions. A painful point is when we say the most damaging, hurtful thing we can think of to someone we love in the midst of an argument. A painful point is when we maintain a relationship with someone when that relationship has become toxic. A painful point is when we continue to follow and track someone we used to be in a relationship with, torturing ourselves with what they are doing in our absence.
In writing these commentaries, I’ve been challenging myself to move them beyond the interpersonal and personal examples above. In the case of other commentaries, the most common instruction is about not using our words to wound others in the heat of the moment. Specifically, the commentary is about cruel speech.
But what about the words we write?
Even before the COVID pandemic, it’s likely that most of our social interactions have been in the form of text — through email, messaging apps, on social media, or in comment sections. As more of our interactions have moved online, there seems to be a presumption that we can have the same quality of conversation on the Internet as we can have in person. Sometimes this is true. I have actually made a few friendships with folks I’ve never met in person. These are people who have rich online lives. We’ve been able to get to know each other and cultivate a connection where we can have conversations about almost anything, including tough subjects like racism, ableism, transphobia, homophobia, and sexism. But in the twenty-one years I’ve been using the Internet, I can only name four people for whom this is the case.
A majority of the time, conversations about politics with anyone online who does not share my view of equity, justice, and liberation, come to painful points. In fact, even conversations online on these topics with people I’ve known for nearly my entire life have sometimes come to painful points.
It wasn’t until just a few years ago that I set the boundary for myself to refrain from such conversations online, despite getting burned several times. I can’t recall the first time it happened, but one of the last times it happened, my partner was the one who invited me to pause and consider the situation. They pointed out how often I get into this cycle of responding to a comment in good faith, only to be pulled into a bad faith argument. I’m then wracked with anxiety, frustration, and hurt feelings — sitting with a lot of pain and knowing I just have to wait it out — and yet still tempted to continue the interaction. This temptation is about wanting to be seen, and feeling like if I can just convince the other person to listen, then all the pain I’m feeling will go away. We can see eye-to-eye and everything will be better! This kind of justification is something I had to learn to let go of. I was effectively engaging in the same behaviour over and over, expecting different results, despite ample proof that it never worked. No matter how tempting it might be to tell off someone for posting something transphobic or racist, all I’m doing is making myself feel bad on top of giving them a platform — as if what they have to say has any legitimacy.
I have to give credit to Shannon Downey (AKA Badass Cross Stitch) in helping me finally learn this lesson about online interactions and how to set the boundaries needed to ensure I didn’t keep visiting the same painful point again and again. Shannon has a strict “No Bullshit” rule for all her social media spaces. She’s very much in the public eye and learned quickly that it was exhausting and pointless to try and engage with bad faith followers. Or even good faith followers responding righteously to a single post out of context, without looking at Shannon’s full body of work and engagement in the world. She has a block AND delete policy when it comes to any bullshit, and now so do I.
This is not to say that conflict should be avoided, but that we should take time to consider the kind of conflict that’s worth meeting. In a recent community-building activity, I was asked to reflect on when conflict has been something I can appreciate. I realised that healthy conflict is rooted in love. If I know I love the person I’m in conflict with, and I trust that they are meeting me with love too, things may get uncomfortable but they will not end on a painful point. Love can take us through the discomfort to a place that deepens our relationship, which makes that conflict worth engaging in. Otherwise, it’s just an exercise in futility and frustration.
Originally published on Medium.
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Lojong Practice Journal Index
The following is an index of my commentaries on the Lojong Slogans (also known as the Seven Points of Training the Mind) in the order they are listed, rather than the order in which I published them. May they be of benefit. ~ Point One: The preliminaries and therefore basis of the practice
Sometimes discussions can be like a tennis match. The ball passes from one side of the court to the other until you finally run towards the net and smash the ball into the farthest corner out of reach for the other player. Game, set and match. You played brilliantly and are so pleased with yourself. You had showed off your skill and your opponent is defeated.
For me this slogan addresses the "showing off" part because that is the part we can control best. The heat of the moment thing is harder to control even though it too needs attention. But it doesn't come with the cold satisfaction of showing off skills. And that's what makes it dangerous. If you insult somebody in the heat of the moment you probably regret it afterwards, but if your goal is to defeat somebody then you enjoy that the other side is embarrassed. Or at least you don't care because it is all about being in the right which the other person should accept.
So, yes. Don't humiliate people just because they're wrong. I have a couple of friends and acquaintances who tell me all kinds of nonsense about Covid and Trump. It is pointless to try and convince them of the facts because they live in conspiracy bubbles. My solution is: I will no longer engage in discussions about these subjects with them. I told them that. Who knows, maybe they come back to their senses eventually but for the time being certain subjects are off limits. That's my way of protecting myself, and it is a way that doesn't hurt them.