I am often complimented, praised even, on how much I ‘get done’. This is probably one of the first things people learn about me: I am a doer. I jokingly call it my superpower, telling people how procrastination makes me feel sick, and I’m asked to bottle this.
But there is a dark side to this superpower, which comes from my cultural upbringing. ‘Doing’ is valued so highly that there is little room for ‘being’, which means our forward momentum can become dangerously fast, impossible to maintain, or hurtling us to our graves in a direction that lost value years ago.
I have internalised the importance of ‘doing’ so much that guilt comes up when I am ill or life has thrown a curveball at me that requires me to attend to something not on my To Do list. ‘Doing’ is a significant factor in the anxiety I experience, in the meltdowns I’ve had, in the burn-out moments of my life. I reach for ‘doing’ as if, at some point, I’ll have done ‘enough’, or the ‘doing’ will prove that I am worthy. This is toxic. This is heaping suffering on suffering.
So I’d be the last person you’d expect to have some insight into spaciousness and supporting others in connecting to that space. Or at least, that’s what I thought until recently.
Knowing really well, what we are up against, is a crucial first step to change. Nothing ever changes through ignorance. Getting to know this ‘doing’ aspect of myself has helped me see it from many lenses. On the one hand, it has helped me achieve quite a lot in my life thus far. I have travelled, held many interesting jobs, learned new skills and cultivated curiosity, compassion, and wisdom thanks to this drive. On the other hand, it fed the growth of an anxiety disorder and has the ability to stop me in my tracks with a sense of overwhelm.
The quality of it, whether it is frenetic and anxious or satisfying and results in contentment, depends on my intention, as well as a much bigger view of anything being done. If I have a small focus, to ‘do’ in order to sooth my ego and get a gold star, the quality is uncomfortable. Guilt and shame, which are not particularly helpful in most context, and definitely in this context, rear their heads and add to the discomfort, the dis-ease.
But when my intention is bigger than me, bigger than my need for validation or recognition, the ‘doing’ energy turns into that superpower. It isn’t jittery, but expansive. It is ‘doing’, but in the context of all the space available for the activity. I can get things done, because I can see how one way of ‘doing’ rushes to fill the gaps, whilst the other way of doing allows for the gaps, allows for the things that will surface and show a side-route or off ramp to something else. It also allows for the unexpected, because there is room to shift the focus and tend to what needs tending, but also room to come back to what was being done before, or to let it go if that’s what serves.
Learning how to connect with spaciousness, which is always there and always available, is a practice any of us can partake in, regardless of belief systems. The practice is in how we build the frame work for new habits, which will serve us and those around us in beneficial ways. This is a counter-culture way of being in a consumer focused capitalist society that values the bottom line more than human lives, so it’s not an easy practice. But this is also what makes it so noble, and even radical.
We do not have to give into every impulse. We can take breaks knowing they allow us to keep going and are not, in fact, a sign of laziness but a sign of care. We can challenge our view of productivity and how we measure the value of a human being. We can take a much bigger view, which helps us learn how to respond to experiences and situations effectively, in ways that reduce harm and bring joy, equanimity and compassion.
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Originally published on Medium
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