The ‘Rules’
I am baffled by ‘the rules’. You know what I mean, those ‘rules’ that apparently exist in the dynamic of seeking out and ‘getting’ a partner?
They’re bullshit. They’re so much obvious bullshit that I’m baffled when someone presents me with their relationship woes and couches it with how they ‘know’ that ‘they say’ a person should or shouldn’t be doing certain things, but they can’t help themselves.
How do I know the rules are BS? First of all, the ‘rules’ often use sweeping statements. Stuff like: Men like the chase, so play hard to get.
I’m sure some men do like ‘the chase’ (whatever THAT is) and I’m sure some women like the idea that they are ‘prey’ to be ‘caught’.
But I’ve not polled every single man on the planet and I’m gonna guess that ‘they’ haven’t either. Just going on the men that I know, (and the women and the gender-non-specific) playing hard to get is confusing to people.
Not calling someone or following up with a text after you meet them is a soft ‘no’ in my books. It’s an indicator of disinterest and respecting boundaries is something most of my friends (as far as I’m aware of) seem to do — so ‘playing hard to get’ just seems to be counter-intuitive to building any relationship.
Also, sweeping statements seems to be built in with gender-stereotypes, which is another big alarm telling me that the ‘rules’ are BS. Men, and women, and people of all genders and orientations, are diverse. There is even diversity among white heterosexual men. I know right? Hard to imagine. But it’s true — not all white heterosexual men think, feel and act the same.
Last time I checked sweeping generalisations about any group of people are unfounded, stupid and harmful.
The other way I know these ‘rules’ that ‘they’ say exist and should be followed are BS? They often tell a person to be something they’re not. Change your hair, change your clothes, talk less, talk more, don’t talk at all! They ask you to contort as if you can ‘trick’ someone into loving you by standing, walking or dressing the ‘right’ way.
Here’s the thing about love: love doesn’t limit.
In the words of Thich Naht Hahn:
You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
If you have to contort or change something about yourself to please/attract/relate to someone else, they don’t deserve to have you in their life. Change is something we do for ourselves. Love is born of appreciation for the fullness of another.
Bullshit rules claim otherwise and it’s no wonder 50% of marriages end in divorce. Contortion is difficult and impossible to maintain.
If someone loves you, they love you for who you are, just as you are. And if that love is really genuine, they will also be fine with all the ways you’ll change and grow and be different over time. The only way you’ll find someone who will love you so genuinely is if you present yourself genuinely.
So ignore the rules! Throw out the scorecards and gender stereotypes and impossible standards.
If you want to meet someone amazing, someone who will be a perfect fit in your life, be yourself. Live your life as you want to. Enjoy the things you enjoy, dress how you want to dress, pursue the hobbies that interest you.
Love yourself first and best and the people around you will see, by your example, that you are worth loving. Anyone who tells you otherwise is a fool.
~
Originally published on Medium