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Wow! That is a powerful story. You seem to have experienced one of those "dark night of the soul" episodes, which are terrifying and transformative in equal measure. I never had one of those episodes but of course I've heard and read about them. They are moments when one abandons hope or rather where hope abandons you. A complete breakdown of all the structures and boundaries we have built up to protect ourselves. What remains is groundlessness and surrender to that darkness. And out of that comes something new. As I said, I've read the books but I never traveled that path. You passed through that valley of dark night and got out at the other end. I bow to you.

I'm quite sure that what you experienced is part of what is meant by this slogan. I don't think it always has to be so extreme, but then that is not something one chooses. For me the slogan fits with the first commandment of Buddhism "let go" (to me that is the core of everything). Let go of expectations, dreams, prejudices, things, loves, places – whatever. Just be, just do, let it come naturally, don't force it, don't hold on to anything. – Quite a challenge. All the best to you.

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