Lojong Practice Journal: Change your attitude, but remain natural
The 59 slogans through a social justice lens
One summer evening, my wife and I were taking a walk through our neighbourhood. We were talking as we walked along, or rather, I was talking. I was sharing some story when she remarked that she’d heard this before. The reaction inside me was instantaneous. I went from relaxed and enjoying our walk together to defensive and irritated. I heard what she was saying as a criticism, and it stung. I didn’t want to be repeating myself, as if I care so much about my own voice I was incapable of remembering what stories I’d already shared with her.
I felt this reaction in my body, and noticed how fast I responded from this habitual place. I knew the root of it and I also saw how entirely unhelpful it was. I didn’t want to feel irritated, and I didn’t want to make this some big deal that would require a lot of back and forth unpacking that root. I could see the situation unfolding before me and it was exhausting just thinking about it.
I took three conscious breaths, continuing the walk in silence. My wife was aware she’d struck a nerve and was also silent for several blocks. Then she asked if I was okay and did I want to talk about it. I checked in and realised I didn’t. I honestly was okay. I’d let go of the irritation in those few blocks, just noticing it and letting it run its course. I’d asked myself if I really wanted to go where I knew I always go when I feel bad about talking too much and repeating a story someone has already heard. The answer was no.
This is the practice of the slogan ‘Change your attitude, but remain natural’. I did not force or fake things when I decided to let go of my irritation. I merely shifted my attitude and let everything else shift with it.
I realise that this could sound like it’s simple, but I know it isn’t. This was, and remains, the single example I can think of where I was able to apply this practice in a moment and watch the transformation happen that quickly. More often, the shift in attitude take weeks or even months, but the point is not to pretend at feeling any different than we do.
This is not about performing equanimity, or any other virtuous attitude. This is not some guidance for positive affirmations. It’s simply saying, you can adjust the way you think and feel in the world, and when you do, remain true to yourself. You don’t have to become a new or different person. You do you with the intention to be of benefit, to be kind and generous to yourself and others, and it will unfold organically.
Originally published on Medium.
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Lojong Practice Journal Index
The following is an index of my commentaries on the Lojong Slogans (also known as the Seven Points of Training the Mind) in the order they are listed, rather than the order in which I published them. May they be of benefit. ~ Point One: The preliminaries and therefore basis of the practice
Thank you for sharing this story. It is interesting. I somehow connect the word "attitude" with a certain amount of swagger and posturing, no doubt because that is the way "attitude" is used commonly. But in your story and whenever I realize that I have been triggered, one can see it as a defense mechanism that kicks in. Sometimes when somebody points out a real or imagined flaw in me, I find myself very vulnerable and then have to put up the shield of being offended and getting annoyed. I think this is just like when you go to a massage and the masseur puts their finger on a spot that hurts very much. Of course you say: "Ouch! That hurt!", but that is the spot the masseur has to work on, so you might as well relax. As it says: "Be grateful to everyone", including people who unerringly find the vulnerable spots. Whenever I'm getting really defensive, I know that's where I have work to do. At least the sane me knows that.