Pondering others – isn't that what we do all the time? Looking at people and coming up with snap judgements: like – don't like; pretty – ugly; smart – stupid; and so on. It's an instinct and really very hard to contain. It's like a puppy on a leash, jumping up and trying to run away and always entangling you in the leash. You can only try to hang on to the leash and command: "Stay!" (I just realised that Pema Chödrön's "Stay!" also applies to this simile 😊). So, I guess the first step is to understand that you have a rowdy puppy in your head. And then maybe the next step would be to give this puppy something to do, a toy so to speak.
I find that public transport is a good place to exercise my puppy. There you see lots of people you normally wouldn't meet, people of all ages and walks of life. My puppy is immediately up and starts judging my fellow travelers ("What an ugly sweater", "Why does she need all that make-up?", "Do they have to shout when they talk to each other?" and so forth). What I do then is start to invent stories about these people. The man with the ugly sweater was going to meet his pals and the sweater was part of showing them what kind of guy he was. The girl with the over-the-top make-up was meeting her boy-friend and had spent hours making herself pretty and she was very pleased with the result. The couple shouting at each other were terribly excited about something and couldn't contain their feelings. Once I see these people in a new and of course completely fictitious light I feel almost tender about them – and my puppy calms down.
It is an exercise and I have to do it consciously. Most of the time I'm still at the mercy of my judgmental mind because there is a certain gratification in feeling superior. Who am I kidding? Who doesn't want to be on the right side, have the right opinions, have the better taste etc.?
When I try to think about other people in a new way I guess I'm still pondering them. But I'm not stuck in criticism. I have switched to friendly interest, and my puppy has a bone to chew on and doesn't start mischief.
Pondering others – isn't that what we do all the time? Looking at people and coming up with snap judgements: like – don't like; pretty – ugly; smart – stupid; and so on. It's an instinct and really very hard to contain. It's like a puppy on a leash, jumping up and trying to run away and always entangling you in the leash. You can only try to hang on to the leash and command: "Stay!" (I just realised that Pema Chödrön's "Stay!" also applies to this simile 😊). So, I guess the first step is to understand that you have a rowdy puppy in your head. And then maybe the next step would be to give this puppy something to do, a toy so to speak.
I find that public transport is a good place to exercise my puppy. There you see lots of people you normally wouldn't meet, people of all ages and walks of life. My puppy is immediately up and starts judging my fellow travelers ("What an ugly sweater", "Why does she need all that make-up?", "Do they have to shout when they talk to each other?" and so forth). What I do then is start to invent stories about these people. The man with the ugly sweater was going to meet his pals and the sweater was part of showing them what kind of guy he was. The girl with the over-the-top make-up was meeting her boy-friend and had spent hours making herself pretty and she was very pleased with the result. The couple shouting at each other were terribly excited about something and couldn't contain their feelings. Once I see these people in a new and of course completely fictitious light I feel almost tender about them – and my puppy calms down.
It is an exercise and I have to do it consciously. Most of the time I'm still at the mercy of my judgmental mind because there is a certain gratification in feeling superior. Who am I kidding? Who doesn't want to be on the right side, have the right opinions, have the better taste etc.?
When I try to think about other people in a new way I guess I'm still pondering them. But I'm not stuck in criticism. I have switched to friendly interest, and my puppy has a bone to chew on and doesn't start mischief.