Lojong Practice Journal: Don’t wait in ambush
The 59 slogans through a social justice lens
When I was a kid, maybe about ten or eleven, possibly younger, my mum taught me a valuable lesson. She told me if I ever had an issue with something someone had done — if someone hurt me or did or said something upsetting — I either had to tell them to work through it together, or I had to take responsibility for what it meant to not tell them. Specifically, she said I didn’t get to harbor resentment towards someone who didn’t even know they had done something wrong.
This is a lesson I have had hundreds of opportunities to reflect on since. When someone annoys me, or says or does something hurtful that they aren’t even aware of, I have a choice point to speak with them about it or to not. If I don’t speak up, then it’s on me to live with that. I can’t blame them for not knowing what I decided not to voice.
As I sat down to write the commentary on the slogan “Don’t wait in ambush,” this lesson came to mind. The instruction with this slogan is quite straightforward: Don’t lurk on the sidelines, waiting to get back at someone, biding your time to seek revenge.
Each time I’ve found myself in a situation where this lesson from my mother was relevant, I’ve had to consider the likelihood of whether or not I could grow through and let go of a situation if I choose not to speak up. Will someone be living rent-free in my head, taking up space with fantasies of retaliation if I say nothing?
I prefer to work in examples on these, to give context and make them relevant. What came to mind was an incident where sexist gender dynamics came into play in an interaction with a cisgender man I was doing some contract work for. I didn’t say anything as it was happening, so stunned was I by the bombardment of paternalistic speech. Because I was also in his home at the time, I didn’t feel safe to challenge him. As soon as I left, however, the accumulated weight of the whole situation broke something open in me. I raged and cried — not out of a sense of personal upset but because this pattern of sexism is so typical and I felt powerless to challenge it as it was happening.
My initial impulse was to simply cut him off, ending our contract, without explanation. I proceeded in this manner, but he demanded I provide a reason. This was that choice point of whether or not I was going to say something. I was under no obligation to tell him why I was ending the contract, as services had been rendered and everything was paid in full. However, if I chose not to explain to him my reasoning, I was also choosing to not wait in ambush, to not hold onto this as something to rage about or speak of in a petty manner as time passed.
I knew I didn’t want to continue a relationship with this person, professional or personal. I also knew, if I said nothing, it would fester. Checking in, I was honest with myself: In order to let the situation go, and in order to not give in to the impulse to wait in ambush, I needed to tell him how his words had impacted me.
I took the time to compose a letter outlining the specifics of our last interaction from my perspective. I was clear that the dynamic was not a personal one, but a social one, often played out between men and women, especially when the woman is younger. I also framed it in dharma language, as an opportunity for both of us to learn from the experience. I ran it by a few friends, both dharma practitioners and not, to ensure that it was clear, before emailing it.
Within hours of receiving the letter, he emailed a reply, thanking me for taking the time to explain and apologizing for having made me so uncomfortable. He also accepted and honoured the boundaries I set and thanked me for calling him in.
I won’t pretend that I was free after that, as the entire experience was very charged, but the hurt did not linger as it might have. I did not obsess over the incident like I have with others where I chose not to say anything, even if I did choose to cut someone out. I can even think about this individual with a sense of well-wishing and I am grateful I took the time to say something.
So much of what I get from my dharma practice is learning how to be in relationship with myself and with others, and with our ever-changing, interdependent culture. I see the slogan “Don’t wait in ambush” as a reminder of what to consider about how we will carry things with us, more than a directive about what we should or shouldn’t do.
Originally published on Medium.
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This is mostly about holding grudges and the need to get even. I sometimes am glad that my memory has limited capacities (it's fully occupied with movies and books and other interesting stuff). I often forget that somebody owes me something or that somebody had said something unpleasant, or better yet, I don't react to those things in real time. Sometimes I get a response from a bystander: "Oh, I didn't like the way she spoke to you. I thought that was uncalled for" and I had already forgotten about it. The times I have managed to hold a grudge I found it tiring. Ever since I started on the path of Dharma I've become more observant of myself: how I react, what a reaction does to my body, how letting go feels. And I have learned to acknowledge that I am ultimately responsible for being angry. I find that very helpful. And instead of plotting revenge I try to be extra polite to people who managed to annoy me. But I don't think I could be bothered with plotting revenge because it is time consuming and ultimately unhealthy. I rather fill my days with having friends for lunch or reading a nice book.