Anxiety

A hybrid poem

There is nothing quite so annoying
As high anxiety
When you have been a meditator for sixteen years
And you’ve had a regular sleep schedule for just as long
And you drink six to eight glasses of water a day
And eat really well
And take magnesium and vitamin D and melatonin
And see a therapist regularly
And take walks and do regular mini-strength training workouts,
And have hot relaxing baths multiple times a week,
And you disappear into books and podcasts,
And take the medication that’s supposed to keep the anxiety at bay,
And you have a roof over your head
And food in your belly
And loved ones in your life
And a sweet little kitty,
And still
Still
STILL
still
The anxiety shows up.
Flares up.
Innocuous thoughts that usually pass like clouds in the sky
Terrorize your brain
and set off your nervous system
Flooding you with cortisol,
Running through your body in a wash of
Dread.

What’s most frustrating,
Irritating,
Aggravating,
Is the people
Who ask:
Have you tried meditating?
And sleeping on a schedule?
And are you drinking enough water?
And are you getting enough magnesium?
And what about other supplements?
And have you talked to a professional?
And are you exercising regularly to get that heart rate up?
And have you tried relaxing?
And are you on medication?
And what is really so bad anyway?

As if the worst thoughts looping in your brain aren’t already:
Why aren’t you fine?
How come you aren’t performing better?
How come you aren’t regulated?
What’s wrong with you?
You are doing everything you should and you are still not okay and maybe never will be again.

So what do you do?
When you are doing every
Single
Possible
Thing
You have ever been told will
prevent / treat / manage
anxiety
And
You have for years
And usually it works
But
Not
This
Time?

(And to be clear, it has flared up this bad before, and even worse
When you moved countries during a pandemic
And
When your first marriage ended
And
When your almost-first wedding didn’t happen because your fiancé left you for one of the bridesmaids six weeks before.
This is not your first rodeo.
It’s not even your second or third.)

But like,
Those things all make sense to be anxious about.

Other flare ups are usually
Small
And in relation
To something specific:
A misunderstanding with a friend
A misunderstanding with a stranger
A misunderstanding at the doctor.

(Why is being misunderstood so stressful?)

“But what is there,
Specifically
This time?”
You wonder.

Besides the fact that as a species we have failed to mitigate climate change and it is here and present and Very Very Bad and still way too many people are in denial about it which is weird when it rained in February and the air was yellow and full of ash in the summer and neither of those things ever happened when you were a kid but now they’re expected and it’s equally pleasant and terrifying that you can sit outside on the deck in an unzipped hoodie mid-winter.

Besides the fact that there are somewhere around six genocides happening around the globe and despite mass organizing and protesting and the general agreement by the public, and even a lot of politicians, that genocide is bad and shouldn’t happen they keep going and going and it feels a bit hopeless and you kind of want to scream about it and most days you are screaming about it (in your head) almost constantly.

Besides the fact that a majority of people have decided that COVID isn’t a big deal while it continues to be the leading cause of death and continues to disable people at an alarming rate and it’s a real masks-off time (literally and figuratively) for how many people are pretty okay with eugenics and believe disabled people deserve to die and you feel really weird and fussy about asking if people are vaccinated or if they still mask in public but also like it shouldn’t be weird to be concerned about one of the deadliest viruses on the planet.

Besides the fact that fascism is on the rise globally and there is an alarming possibility that a man who has been impeached, incited an insurrection, has definitely committed sexual assault, and has multiple lawsuits actively against him for everything from fraud to theft may once again be elected to the highest office in government and one of the most influential posts globally.

Besides the fact that the conservative agenda to whittle away bodily autonomy for trans folks and anyone with a uterus seems to be succeeding and as soon as we cross the line of bodily autonomy it opens up the door to all sorts of human rights abuses and we are seeing that play out in real time and it is sickening and horrifying and yet there are still people who both-sides the issue when it should be really clear that bodily autonomy is a sacred right that should never be violated.

…

Oh.

Okay.
Fine.
It kind of makes sense
That your nervous system is a bit wrecked right now.

And you think:
Maybe I should go easy on myself for feeling this way.

And maybe feeling this way is good, actually, because it means I love deeply and care deeply and want deeply for things to be better.

Like, I am ALIVE. I am ALIVE and that means I can do something.

Maybe do something like check in with everyone around me, y’know? Get out of my head a bit and touch into the tenderness in my heart and ask my friends how they are doing because gawd, it’s a lot right now, isn’t it?

Like, a lot a lot.

And I take Mr. Rogers’ advice and look for the helpers. Notice just how many people are calling for justice and liberation and rest. Notice how many of the people I love best are doing all they can. Notice how I am doing my best, all things considered.

I tell myself that it’s okay to not be okay. I go stand outside and feel the breeze on my skin and the ground beneath my feet and call on all my ancestors and thank them for doing all the work they did and thank the earth for holding me and thank every being who works to make the world a bit better every day.

Remember:
This has all happened before. Or something like it.

And so you read some Audre Lorde
and breathe.
You listen to some Dharma talks
and breathe.
You make some art
and breathe.
You cook a meal for friends
and breathe.
You plan a fun project with your dad
and breathe.
You cuddle up with your person
and breathe.
You write some fiction that comes to you spontaneously
and breathe.
You let yourself cry
and breathe.
You chant mantras like ‘Gate gate pāragate pārasaṃgate bodhi svāhā!’ and ‘Oṃ maṇi padme hūṃ’ and ‘Oṃ Tāre Tuttāre Ture Svāhā’

And breathe.

And you chant mantras of the movement like ‘Trans Liberation Now’ and ‘Black Lives Matter’ and ‘From The River To the Sea’¹

And you breathe.

You write about it all.

And you breathe.

And you offer it.

---

1. I am well aware of how Israeli nationalists have claimed this phrase is a call for genocide against Jewish people, rather than a call for the liberation of Palestinian people from colonial occupation and oppression. The Israeli government is actively doing genocide so this is obviously disingenuous on their part. This claim of the phrase having a “hidden” violent meaning is also being used by the U.S. government to squash free speech, which is not a good look.

Jewish peace activists, anti-apartheid groups, and Israeli activists who want the Israeli military to end the genocidal campaign all use the phrase. Framing it as Antisemitic is like claiming ‘Black Lives Matter’ is claiming the superiority of Black lives rather than calling for an end to violence against Black and brown humans.

It is a common tactic of those who want to maintain the status-quo and oppressive systems to attack slogans as lacking “nuance” or being “too easily misunderstood” as a way to control or avoid the conversation. Slogans are meant to be pithy. They are not academic papers or essays going into depth on strategy.